Making the Marriage Last Longer

Children and Your Marriage

Many men don’t address one important issue before they get married, which can lead to problems down the line. If your lady is still young, they will most likely want to have children, if they don’t already. (That is a different issue to discuss in another blog post. Filipina women will definitely want kids.

If you feel that you’re too old to have children, or simply would prefer not to, or maybe you had a vasectomy years ago, then you must consider this before you go forward with a relationship. Don’t lie about it to her. If you have been “snipped” or have no interest in having kids, tell her in the very beginning. Give her an opportunity to back out.

If you lie about it, and she finds out later that you can’t or don’t want to father her children, don’t expect her to just laugh it off. She may very well leave you, and who could blame her if she did? Don’t believe her when she says, “Oh, it’s OK if we don’t have kids.” She may convince herself of that because of her desire to be with you, but it will come back to haunt her as the years go by, and she is getting past the age of being able to have children easily.

If she’s already has children, she will be far more understanding. You CAN believe her then if she says it’s OK. Marrying a single mum is something that you should consider. It is like having an instant family; you get more to love with two, three, or even four family members!  Moreover, you’re giving a child/children a Tatay (Tagalog for father), which is a beautiful thing; I can promise you I know about that!

Jealousy and the Perv

Jealousy in a relationship is normal and healthy. If a woman values you, she will be jealous. She doesn't want to share you with anyone or lose you. If you are accustomed to “Perving” - looking at other women - looking at Internet porn, etc., and making comments about them it in front of your wife, you will HURT her! It doesn't matter if they are just pictures.

Men are able to look at beautiful women and not get emotionally involved. I think it is in our genes. However, women need to be more emotionally involved before they “perv.” Men get this, but women don’t. If she doesn't care about you perving, then this means she doesn't really value you in my opinion. You should feel privileged if someone values you enough to be jealous.

Jealousy can destroy a marriage, and Filipino women tend to be more jealous than some others are. So don’t give them an excuse to be. Please, always try to understand each other and be sensitive to her feelings. Understand that she looks at many things differently than you do.

Forgive the small things. If she’s hurting, it is your job is to care.  Stop trying to defend yourself or to point fingers. Remember that she is a special gift you were given, and that vision and perception you had of that person and all their goodness in the beginning is still there. Always try to be the man she deserves and don’t forget it!

While it may not be easy all time – I guarantee you that if you follow the advice I am giving, you will have a much better chance of making your marriage last! 

How to Make Your Marriage Last

While there are some cultural differences between a Filipino woman and an Australian or any other nationality, still marriage is marriage. Just because there isn't any divorce in the Philippines doesn't mean that a Filipina will never any disagreements with you. She will not blindly follow everything you say. Marriage takes work no matter whom you marry.

Of course, when she finally gets her visa and you bring her to Australia, everything is very exciting and wonderful. You wake up in the morning with her next to you, she fusses over you, your life seems complete now, and you think you will live happily ever after in wedded bliss!

As time goes on and you have your first argument, reality sets in. Oh wow, my wife is mad at me and hasn't spoken to me for days. What went wrong? Nothing has gone wrong really. She is a woman, and as they say - men are from Mars, and women are from Venus!

Sometimes it is just a lack of communication. A misunderstanding based on an expression that was not understood for example, because Filipinos never heard that expression, or don’t have the same sense of humour. One time a client of mine told me that he said to his wife, “See ya in a while crocodile,” and his wife got so mad because she thought he was saying her skin was like a crocodile!  

Little things can cause problems you would never anticipate.  We see many couples who are happy, but sometimes we hear back from clients and find they are really struggling in their relationship. Most of the time their problems are not real problems at all. They’re caused by their own ignorance, ego and inflexibility.

We really hate to see that, especially when you think of how hard they struggled and what they went through to get where they are, only to see a dream turn into a nightmare. I wish I could just shake them, and say, “What’s the matter with you?” 

Language Issues with Your Filipino Lady

Most Filipino’s (who have gone to school) were taught English. English is the Philippines second language. No other Asian country has as many English speakers. Street signs, and the labels on products in stores, are all in English. You can communicate easily and survive without speaking a word of Tagalog in the Philippines.

 However, most ordinary Filipinos prefer to speak Tagalog during every day conversations, or in whatever regional dialect is spoken where they live. The less educated and the poorer the person is….and the further you get from Manila…the less that person will want to have a conversation in English. Those that are forced to speak English to communicate with you will commonly say – “it gives them a nose bleed”

The Aussie Mumble

One very important thing you should recognize is that – very few will learn how to speak or understand the Aussie Mumble! I can honestly say being and Aussie myself, that we tend to mutilate the English language, pronouncing some words very strangely. We make entire sentences sound like single, long words, by running words into each other.

Entire letters can be mumbled away into oblivion. Our adenoids are just as important to speech as our vocal chords are! As the locals are fond of saying - we “swallow our words.” There isn’t any clear exact pronunciation for the Aussie. No-way-mate!  And the poor ladies have to try to interpret what the heck we are talking about in our mumbling Aussie drawl. 

No worries – your Mahal will get used to it in time, just as you will have to get used to her accent, which is another whole issue that we will leave for another post!

So until she gets used to your accent and speech patterns: Speak slowly. Speak clearly.

Try to annunciate each letter and syllable of a word, the ones that we have long considered superfluous.  And very importantly - encourage her to please TELL you if she doesn’t understand what you, or other Aussie family or friends are saying. What’s funny is that she will feel like it is her English that is poor when she is in your world of language mutilators and mumblers, and not yours!

The “Shy” Filipino Stereotype

Filipinos may avoid talking to English speaking people, or even make eye-contact if they feel insecure with their English and be embarrassed, which comes off as shy, and to Aussie’s, this can also be seen as a sign of rudeness or contempt. Explain to her and try to help her overcome her shyness so as to not cause any unnecessary offense or misunderstandings with your relatives and friends, who may think she is being aloof or ignorant. Explain this to them also.

When you are with her family, realize that this is why they may seem to be ignoring you, just because they feel embarrassed about their poor English. While it is fun and cute for you to learn Tagalog, and a little is useful, her improving her English is much more practical.

So just hang in there, it is a learning experience, and you and your Mahal will gradually be in sync and understanding each other on a higher level. And remember - love conquers all!

Don’t Be Afraid To Speak Your Mind To Your Filipina

Western men have spent the last 40 years being told that we are being patriarchal and dominating when we are trying to be decisive, strong, and reliable. We are encouraged to discover our “feminine side,”which is apparently always a positive thing. We are even expected to believe that the Queer Eye for Straight Guy people can come to our house and fix all our testosterone-induced problems.
Many TV shows and movies tell you that the wife and kids hold the moral high-ground and are the smart ones, while the dad is a buffoon. Then there is the bad dad who can’t go to Joey’s baseball game or watch his daughters dance recital because he has to work late (so he can pay for the uniform and baseball gear and the dance lessons). So then what happens?

Men end up scared to be men. He goes to visit his lady in the Philippines and agrees to everything. He expresses no opinion about anything, so he won’t be accused of being patriarchal and dominating.
When her relatives try to take advantage of him, he meekly opens his wallet and says “here ya go,” even though he can’t really afford it.

This spineless bloke is also scared of being seen as a racist; so he surrenders his own cultural identity
and conditioning to her and the Filipino ways, no matter how bonkers they are. What she wants, she
gets. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind! You have experience and intelligence. Use it!

If the person you want to spend your life with has an idea with which you don’t agree, one that may

adversely affect your relationship and your future - Then TELL her! 

Here are 7 things that you DO NOT want to do:

1. Give more money to relatives than you can afford or you are happy with.

2. Sponsor relatives to come to Australia if you’re really not happy with the idea.

3. Put off her immigration process just because her mother doesn’t want her to leave, if you think

it should be started. These things take time and the longer you wait, the longer it takes.

4. Agree to get married in the Philippines instead of Australia just because she wants to, if you

would rather have your wedding in Australia.

5. Wait three years to fill out her immigration application because her parents want her to finish

going to college first, if you feel strongly otherwise.

6. Have your bed full of 7 and 8 year old children if it makes you uncomfortable.

7. Change your diet to nothing but Filipino food, while she is not willing to make any dietary

changes. 

TALK about things!
Begin your relationship making joint-decisions, and make sure BOTH of you do plenty of compromising.
This is what good marriages are built on, and it will ensure that you have a close relationship - where
BOTH of you are happy and fulfilled - for many years to come.